The Perfect Valentine's Day

Well, Valentine's Day is just around the corner & after last year we weren't sure how we could top it..mostly because so much thought & planning went into it. Of course, we now laugh at the thought of thinking we couldn't top, an indoor fondue picnic by the fireplace!!! Even though it was very romantic.

Obviously, so much has changed in the last year, even in the last 2 months & we thought what better way to celebrate Valentine's 2015 than to start trying to get pregnant. Yep, it's really happening (I am really just trying to convince myself at this point)!!! We are so excited, scared, hopeful & about a millon other emotions all wrapped into one. When I get pregnant, we have agreed to not share the news immediately. But we are not going to make anyone wait 3 months either. There's a balance & we need all the prayers we can get. So, as soon as we both feel like we have saviored the news as a couple, we will share it. After all we want nothing more than to have all of you join us in celebrating the expansion of our family!!! All I ask of you now, please pray that our future child has Burk's brains & my good looks & I think we will be just fine HAHA!!  That's all for now.

Angie

Conquering the "What If's"

Earlier this week, I laid in bed trying to go to sleep, worrying about baby stuff. I couldn't stop thinking about all the "what if's" & of course it's like a one way ticket to crazy-town. So, I started to pray & a quiet voice told me that by the time you have this baby...none of that will matter. I will watch over you & take care of you...don't worry. And even though it wasn't immediate, peace eventually came over me & I feel asleep.

God is clearly no longer listening to me when I say that I am not ready for this. So no matter how much I worry that this is happening too fast or that we are not ready...won't change where we are headed. Because as soon as I start worrying, God reminds me of the long trail of how he has prepared us to be ready, down thru the years. All the fears I have already conquered, thanks to him. And all the trials that we have come out on the other side of, like both losing our jobs at the same time. Throughout all of that, we survived. Not just as individuals but as a couple & we are so much stronger for having gone through that stuff together..this should be no different. So, I will continue to give up my worries to God. And yes, they will come back & I will give them up again. It's a never-ending cycle but it's ok, when we are trying to make the most important decision we will ever make as a couple.

The worry and doubt has been what's kept us baby free for 10 years. And I imagine that's the way it is for a lot of people. It's hard to push past all of that. And I was honestly content with it just being the two of us. Until a light bulb flipped on inside me, back in December. And those negative "what if's" started changing into positive ones. Let this be a lesson, that I need to remind myself to replace the negative "what if's" with positive ones, anytime I start worrying. Because I know God is telling me that his plan is bigger than what I had in mind for myself. He wants us to put our trust in him & just let go. He has been planting this seed for years. This is not easy...this is not who I thought I was. I am forever being changed because of my love for Burk, for God & God's love for us. And it's amazing & freaking scary all at the same time!!! I tear up just thinking about how emotional this journey has already been & how it's going to only get better & better as we move into the next phase of all this...the actually getting pregnant part. Holy crap, there I said it!! Oh my, I am so scared...make it stop, I am not ready..wait yes I am but no I am not. See, I AM crazy!!! I can't be a mom, I am going to lose my mind, haha :)!!! That's all for now.

Angie

Planning Ahead & Greatest Birthday Present EVER

Today has been all about medical stuff. Finding out about midwives in the area, maternity leave stuff & getting an appt to go see my dentist because apparently having dental work done while pregnant is a bad idea (who knew)!!! Plus, I want to get all this out of the way beforehand, so that I can just sit back & relax.

I called about maternity leave to find out all the details & the first thing the women told me was that I would be losing my insurance, WHAT??!! Apparently, if you don't know how to word it properly that's what it sounds like. She totally freaked me out & had me on the verge of a panic attack!!! What she was trying to tell me was that since I won't have a regular paycheck coming in while I am out, I will be billed for my insurance separately. Of course at the same rate that I was paying, so the amount doesn't change. So thank goodness for that!!!

I also found out that I am potentially eligible for up to 12 weeks of leave & I can be paid for a portion of that time & with a portion of my salary...some crazy percentage, like 66 2/3rds %...what the heck kind of percentage is that?! I will never figure out that number, even with a calculator!!! All great news, since we are trying to save up 3 months of my salary NOW so that I can take that time off & not worry about anything. So whatever I can still get paid above what we have saved, not to mention I have PTO, will just be bonus. And I have already come up with some ideas on how to do that & we just need to put them into action.

This weekend in Nashville, I got the greatest birthday present, a hubby could ever get his wife!!!

Burk is really funny about all this. I have yet to actually hear him say "yes, let's do this" (and believe me I have tried) but I guess the old saying, actions speak louder than words, really comes into play here. So what I can tell you is that we have decided to let nature take it's course. And all that means is we are content with whatever amount of time it takes to get there. And if I don't get pregnant this month or next, it doesn't mean anything is wrong with me. This is all part of God's plan for our lives & we want his will to be done. That's all for now!

Angie

Giving It Up To God

I am not afraid of tomorrow because I know God is already there!!!

There is so much about this journey that I have no control over. And I think it's all the uncertainty that comes with this that makes this decision so hard. But as I look back, I realize how he has already led me to give up some many fears and my life is so much better now after doing so. My fear of being away from home, thunderstorms, flying, not being able to hold down a successful job, etc. But this is the BIG one...almost like my finally leap of faith in God to say once & for all... this is yours. I fully trust in you!!! And once I do this, it's proof I can do anything. Because in order to move forward, to experience life altering decisions, we have to give things up to God, completely. He wouldn't be leading me to this if he didn't have a wonderful plan waiting on the other side. 

So I knew when I started this process that being open could bring in questions & concerns that people have about getting pregnant at my age & stage in life. And that's ok. But all those things are really in God's hands. They are not for me to deal with. And I will not be addressing them unless a doctor or other health professional tells me they are a concern.

There is so much happiness that comes along with this journey. And I will continue to share every moment. So I am not going to tell you to not share things with me. Because I fully trust this process & whatever God has in store for me. That's all for now.

Angie

My Grandmother's Message From Heaven

Pop, Dad & Margie

According to my sister Diana, our grandmother Margie (my dad's mom, who is no longer with us) came to her in a dream & told her something important (happy & good) about us making this decision on whether or not to have a baby. OMG, I was so excited that she's up there & she knows!! Of course I teared up, I miss her & I wish she could be here in person to help us make this decision. But so far Diana is keeping whatever she told her to herself. But just until I get pregnant so not to influence our decision. Her heart is in the right place but it's killing me, I want to know!!! I tried everything to get it out of her but she's not talking. Not even to our parents!! What?? I thought I could get it out of them for sure but she's obviously thought this through & anticipated my attempt to wear them down, as well. Oh well, she may not be talking now but I will find out & when I do, I promise to share!! That's all for now.

Angie

Changing Fundamentals

I am discovering that this process is changing the fundamentals about my life. How I am thinking about everything is much different now. It's really changing how I spend my free time, how I view the people I come across daily & my time with Burk, just to name a few. I used to think Burk & I couldn't get enough time together & I was always ready to fight (not physically of course, ok well maybe that one time) anyone who jeopardized the time we did get. And now all of a sudden, I am able to put that behind me & embrace every moment that we spend together, as if nothing else matters & it's wonderful!! And my freetime used to be spent on Facebook or doing something equally lame. Now I researching my options, watching videos and writing. And all I do at work now, is talk about how I am feeling about all this. My co-workers are wonderful & I owe them HUGE for listening to me ramble on for hours about all this.

Just going through this process is giving my life a whole new meaning but I do worry that even though this is a good thing, what if we decide not to do this? How will I ever be able to go back? I feel stronger and more empowered & I have already come so far. But I am certain that I am not & never will use the term "super women" to describe myself or anyone else, who goes through this. This is just a part of life, a fork in the road & life altering decision. Super powers, NOT INCLUDED!!!

One thing is for sure, as silly as this sounds music is by far a wonderful way to express how we are feeling at times. And sometimes others can pinpoint exactly how we are feeling & bring things out that we didn't even know existed. So with this process, one of my favorite songs has taken on a whole new meaning. Don't laugh, I know this is super lame but "Let It Go" is my theme song at the moment. And not just letting go of my past but all my fears, worries and feelings on becoming a parent. And completely giving them up to God.

Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl you always had to be
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know
Well now they know

I was always afraid to let people see how I really felt about having kids & now you know! And you know that I am no longer afraid to share that.

It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all
Up here in the cold thin air I finally can breathe
I know I left a life behind but I'm too relieved to grieve

My fears, even though they will always exist but now in much smaller manageable quantities. I know I have left that life behind but I really am too relieved to grieve. 

All for now!!

Angie

Finding Our Way

After my last post, Burk & I discovered the unique paths we are on, while we are trying to arrive at the same decision. Even though we didn't choose these paths out loud, we just naturally fell into them, I love that we are both concentrating on what we feel is most important. My first priority is to educate myself about what it's going to be like to carry Baby Forester for 9 months. Then make good decisions about how to bring her/him into this world safely (as I discussed previously). But what I love the most is that he is putting in the effort with what's going to happen afterwards. He is actually taking on the part that I have given up to God. Will we be good parents, what if we disagree on how to do things, what if we mess them up? You know all the things I am sure every parent worries about. He's already thinking about these things & I am not even pregnant yet, which tells me what a great father he is going to be!!

I feel like we may be further along in the process that we originally thought. We have already discussed some of the things we are looking forward to. Mine are: having Burk take care of me for 9 months, embracing this process fully & completely, creating at birth plan that allows for the least intervention but also to trust the process if intervention is needed, the 6 weeks after the baby is born & being home & taking care of this baby, together.  His are: (keep in mind, we have a sweet but stubborn dog that doesn't listen sometimes) so he is excited about being able to communicate with the child..like "no" & "stop that" might actually work. He is also excited about teaching the baby about things that are important to him, like literature. And we talked about exposing our child to many different options, like piano lessons or dancing or singing, etc...but not as means to force them into but as a means to give them options. And we would be fine with whatever they picked.

We have also discussed all the things we have accomplished to get to where we are now. This is going to be my first year, EVER in my career that I will only have 1 tax return (this job thing has always been such an issue) & I am so excited to finally have landed where I am!!! We live in an amazing condo that we love & it's set up perfectly to have a child. We both have cars that are fully functioning (that has not always been the case) & 1 is about to be paid off. Coco is about to get fixed & we are purposely doing it now so that she will have time to calm down before the baby arrives. We are both happy with where we are & with what we have accomplished just in the last 4 years or so. And we both agree that even if nothing changed, even if we decided not to do this that we would both still be happy. It's like right before anyone decides to get married, we have to be ok with being alone or single before we can get married. And that's where we are right now. We are ok with not having a baby & still loving our lives, I hope that makes sense. Well, that's all for now.

Angie

Intro: To Baby or Not To Baby

This is where I am going to chronicle my decision on whether or not to become a mom. All the ups & downs, fears & excitement, all in one place. NOTE: I am NOT pregnant.

Back in December, the whole "baby fever" hit me really hard. Most times it comes on, then it's gone within a few days. It's a normal pattern, I have fallen into for many years. But something different happened this time. I started looking at being a parent much differently. What if they are right? What if this is so much better than I ever imagined but I have been allowing fear to take over? What if everything I have done up until this point was to get me ready for the biggest & best thing I may ever do? What if I completely put my trust in God & let this happen? All these questions & so many more kept popping up & I couldn't push them out, like I had 1000 times before. Maybe I owed it to myself, my husband & my family to figure this thing out...once & for all. After all, I will be 38 years old on January 18, 2015. Not that I am getting too old for this. Women have babies well into their late forties. But I don't want to be in my sixties, when Baby Forester goes off to college.

My husband & I have spent the better part of 10 years, thinking that having kids wasn't for us. And there's loads of judgement that comes along with that...not from my family but from complete strangers. We were called so many names & judged by so many people that I actually developed resentment for myself.  And I began pushing away everything that was kid related. I didn't want to deal with it. It was a side of me that people would never really understand. And I began believing that I was selfish, too immature & I would never be ready to give up everything to bring another human into this world. And maybe at the time, that was true but I don't believe those lies anymore. And even though we told people we never completely 100% ruled it out, we did realize if it happened it was going to be God's perfect plan for us & we would embrace it no matter what.

Yesterday & today, I spent time watching episodes from More on Business of Being Born on Netflix & watching natural home births on Youtube and I loved every minute of it. It's amazing what our bodies are capable of doing. And God made us to do this. And every single one I watched, I realized how wonderful, beautiful & crazy this is going to be...should I decide to do this. I will admit that I am at a bit more at peace with the birth process, that formally freaked me out. I know it's not going to be easy but there is an end result that is more beautiful that anything imaginable. And I know watching some videos on Youtube doesn't make me an expert or even come close to preparing me for the real thing but I am at peace with knowing that if I trust my body & the process, giving birth can be the most amazing experience ever. That's all for now!

Angie