I want to remember exactly how I am feeling right now, just a few days away from testing & 8 DPO (days post ovulation), so here we go. My confidence that we were able to make this happen is running very high, as it should be. Signs & symptoms are slowly starting to appear, I am exhausted (keep crashing), mild cramping & pressure, lots of bloating/gas, dizziness/lightheaded, BBT Luteal phase dip (implantation), crankiness, there a few other ones but I will keep them to myself. But very soon, I will be leaving my dignity at the door. Now if I am wrong about all this, I am fine with that. You can call it woman's intuition but I feel like our lives are about to change for the better!! I am overwhelmed with joy & fear, anxious about how everything will play out. I am envisioning the look on Burk's face when we discover those 2 lines. And so excited to video the process of us finding out & getting to share it with all of you, later on down the road.
Speaking of this is happening, I have been meaning to share this...so God came to me, while I was driving a few months back & told me this baby was going to happen & not to worry. Of course, I burst into tears of joy, while trying to get on I-40E. And I am sure the other drivers thought I was just crying over all the construction and maybe I was a little. But it was one of those moments that you never forget. And it's been the thing that has kept me going, through this entire process. It's also been the thing that kept me grounded, when we miscarried last month. And it kept me from going crazy & saying what I really wanted to say, every time someone would tell me "don't rush it" or "just have fun" or "when you stop trying it will happen"...these things may all seem like great advice. But for me, God is in control of all of this & when he's ready it will happen.
Back when he sent us on this journey & told me to do this, I really thought he was crazy. We spent 10 years thinking this wasn't for us & all that changed basically overnight. God & I talk a lot in the middle of the night (when I wake up & can't go back to sleep). And it was in the middle of the night that he shared that this was what he wanted us to do. So the next day, I woke up on a mission & we haven't looked back since. Which makes me very thankful for those moments of sleeplessness, it's valuable time spent with him...so you will rarely hear me complain about not being able to sleep. I wouldn't be on this journey without sleeplessness!!
My parents are about to embark on another journey that will keep us from being to reach them, to share any happy news. I think this is God's way of ensuring that we won't tell the world before telling our family. Since we kinda went crazy telling everyone last time. I think it's a good thing. We will keep our happy news to ourselves, savoring every moment we can. A good friend of mine, told me when I am tempted to call someone & share...to just sit the dogs down & tell them, LOL!!! Great advice & I will definitely be doing that A LOT!!!
XOXO,
Angie
Friday, May 22, 2015
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
Don't Call Me Disconnected :) & Other Post Miscarriage Challenges
If I learned anything this time around, it's evident the miracle that babies really are!!! There's so much that goes into this & sometimes I envy those who got pregnant without trying. But then again, I realize how much different this journey would be and I am so thankful that God choose this path for us. Here are some of the challenges we were faced with this time around. I wanted to share these things because they are a real part of what happens post "M" word.
It was very hard to pinpoint ovulation. Normally, my app does it for me but all bets were off because my body was resetting itself. Oh yeah, a uterus guessing game!! Which did help make it fun, of course. Previously, I was using ovulation tests as a back up to confirm that my app was correct. But without my app, I was lost. I starting testing last Saturday (the "M" word stopped 5 days prior). I got what I thought was a + but I was misread it...mine don't say yes or no, I actually have to interrupt the results. And I kept misreading them up because I wouldn't read the directions, typical ADHD for you!! And when we thought we were done trying, I took one last test & realized how wrong I was. Oh my goodness, I wasn't sure I could keep going..then someone reminded me what Betty White said...
I was still charting my BBT (Basil Body Temperature) everyday but it wasn't telling me much because it wouldn't spike. I kept waiting & thinking ovulation had occurred. But that's how I figured out the ovulation tests were messing up (see, I can just blame them). And when the spike finally happened it was less than 24 hours post ovulation, Which was a much shorter time frame than last month. Our bodies are really amazing & are quite the enigma sometimes.
Ultimately, it took more out of us this time around, because not only were we trying to figure all this out & hitting bumps in the road but there were about a billion other things happening all at the same time. Burk had an interview (another position at his hotel) on Thursday & it wasn't until Friday when he asked me if I wanted to hear about it...oh my goodness I had completely forgotten to ask how it went (terrible wife, haha)!!! Then I was dealing with my own work related stuff, where someone decided to call me out as being "disconnected"...LOL, of course I am disconnected, the "M" word will do that to you!! Plus, I found out that a close friend, whom I tried to tell I was pregnant but never called me back (so I didn't think she knew about the pregnancy or the "m" word either). But she revealed that she read about it on the blog. That's not how I wanted her to find out but if that's good enough for her then I will just have to make my peace with it. But it made me think that she intentionally chose not to reach out & say anything in part because we had argued over something silly just a few weeks ago & she was still upset...anyways, I really hope that's not the case.
All of that lead to the realization that my anxiety was rearing it's ugly head so I got myself back in the gym yesterday & didn't leave til I worked out the desire to CUSS everyone out & tell everyone to BITE ME :)!! I feel much better now & I am getting refocused. We are looking forward to what's lies ahead for us. There is so much hope right now!!!
XOXO,
Angie
It was very hard to pinpoint ovulation. Normally, my app does it for me but all bets were off because my body was resetting itself. Oh yeah, a uterus guessing game!! Which did help make it fun, of course. Previously, I was using ovulation tests as a back up to confirm that my app was correct. But without my app, I was lost. I starting testing last Saturday (the "M" word stopped 5 days prior). I got what I thought was a + but I was misread it...mine don't say yes or no, I actually have to interrupt the results. And I kept misreading them up because I wouldn't read the directions, typical ADHD for you!! And when we thought we were done trying, I took one last test & realized how wrong I was. Oh my goodness, I wasn't sure I could keep going..then someone reminded me what Betty White said...
 |
| Yep, thanks Betty! |
I was still charting my BBT (Basil Body Temperature) everyday but it wasn't telling me much because it wouldn't spike. I kept waiting & thinking ovulation had occurred. But that's how I figured out the ovulation tests were messing up (see, I can just blame them). And when the spike finally happened it was less than 24 hours post ovulation, Which was a much shorter time frame than last month. Our bodies are really amazing & are quite the enigma sometimes.
Ultimately, it took more out of us this time around, because not only were we trying to figure all this out & hitting bumps in the road but there were about a billion other things happening all at the same time. Burk had an interview (another position at his hotel) on Thursday & it wasn't until Friday when he asked me if I wanted to hear about it...oh my goodness I had completely forgotten to ask how it went (terrible wife, haha)!!! Then I was dealing with my own work related stuff, where someone decided to call me out as being "disconnected"...LOL, of course I am disconnected, the "M" word will do that to you!! Plus, I found out that a close friend, whom I tried to tell I was pregnant but never called me back (so I didn't think she knew about the pregnancy or the "m" word either). But she revealed that she read about it on the blog. That's not how I wanted her to find out but if that's good enough for her then I will just have to make my peace with it. But it made me think that she intentionally chose not to reach out & say anything in part because we had argued over something silly just a few weeks ago & she was still upset...anyways, I really hope that's not the case.
All of that lead to the realization that my anxiety was rearing it's ugly head so I got myself back in the gym yesterday & didn't leave til I worked out the desire to CUSS everyone out & tell everyone to BITE ME :)!! I feel much better now & I am getting refocused. We are looking forward to what's lies ahead for us. There is so much hope right now!!!
XOXO,
Angie
Monday, May 4, 2015
We Can Get Pregnant!!!
That's the good news...we can get pregnant..YIPPIE!! The bad news is something went wrong (we don't like the M word, so it will not be used) & 5 weeks into it...we are back to trying. I only knew for 5 days that I was pregnant..in that there's a blessing. My symptoms had only just begun (oh my goodness, the gas!!!) & I probably wouldn't have known if the test had not come up positive.
I want to say this...I do not believe that this should be kept a secret. Not talking about it is dangerous & sends the wrong message to women everywhere..that this is a taboo subject. Well, it can happen to anyone. And it should not be a secret. We have to talk about this or we will go crazy!!! I feared that this was one of the worst things, one could ever experience because no one really talks about it. Well I am here to talk about it. In hopes that if you ever find yourself where I am right now or know someone who is, you know you can come to me & I will understand. And for us, we are coming out on the other side much stronger and with a clearer understanding of why babies are such miracles & gifts from God. And I am even more excited about getting pregnant again & carrying this baby to full term.
Here's what happened....I went to work on Monday April 27 & within a few hours, I knew what was happening. I ran to my OBGYN, took some blood-work & then they called the next day to confirm it was true. Thank goodness, I was off work on Tuesday, so I could just rest. In fact that's pretty much all I have done is rest. Tuesday night I got to experience what I imagine was just a glimpse into what giving birth is like. In fact, the pain (that came in the form of severe cramping) was my body doing it's job & God was taking away what wasn't right. About an hour into it, Burk grabbed me some pain meds & handed them to me. It had not occurred to me to ask for anything. When you are in a state like that you just want to get on the other side of it. And within 20 mins, the pain had subsided.
For me, the entire process took 7 days to complete. This doesn't happen overnight. But our bodies are very smart & they know what to do. For 7 days, I had up's & down's. Someday's I would have some energy early on in the day but by mid afternoon, I would crash. And I am not talking about a normal late afternoon crash, that is easily cured with caffine...oh no, I am talking about I was not able to stand, kind of crash. And other days, I just never got out of bed. I imagine this is God's way of preparing me for what's to come for 9 months, when we do get pregnant again.
I am so thankful for all the love & support we received. I am forever grateful to those who reached out & checked on me. And offered up an hear for me to vent into. I would never had made it the last week without you. There's a lot of emotions that are still playing out. We lost a child, that we will never get to hold or love & that's the hardest part of all this. But we are in the process of grieving & I may do another post later on describing what we are going to do to help us get past this. But like I said, we are still working on that part. I want to assure everyone that we are going to be fine. We are going back to the Dr. today, to get game plan together so this doesn't ever happen again. And I will let you all know, what that means soon, And the statistics show that we are much more likely to get pregnant again, very fast. So fingers crossed & prayers going up!!!
Much love,
Angie
I want to say this...I do not believe that this should be kept a secret. Not talking about it is dangerous & sends the wrong message to women everywhere..that this is a taboo subject. Well, it can happen to anyone. And it should not be a secret. We have to talk about this or we will go crazy!!! I feared that this was one of the worst things, one could ever experience because no one really talks about it. Well I am here to talk about it. In hopes that if you ever find yourself where I am right now or know someone who is, you know you can come to me & I will understand. And for us, we are coming out on the other side much stronger and with a clearer understanding of why babies are such miracles & gifts from God. And I am even more excited about getting pregnant again & carrying this baby to full term.
Here's what happened....I went to work on Monday April 27 & within a few hours, I knew what was happening. I ran to my OBGYN, took some blood-work & then they called the next day to confirm it was true. Thank goodness, I was off work on Tuesday, so I could just rest. In fact that's pretty much all I have done is rest. Tuesday night I got to experience what I imagine was just a glimpse into what giving birth is like. In fact, the pain (that came in the form of severe cramping) was my body doing it's job & God was taking away what wasn't right. About an hour into it, Burk grabbed me some pain meds & handed them to me. It had not occurred to me to ask for anything. When you are in a state like that you just want to get on the other side of it. And within 20 mins, the pain had subsided.
For me, the entire process took 7 days to complete. This doesn't happen overnight. But our bodies are very smart & they know what to do. For 7 days, I had up's & down's. Someday's I would have some energy early on in the day but by mid afternoon, I would crash. And I am not talking about a normal late afternoon crash, that is easily cured with caffine...oh no, I am talking about I was not able to stand, kind of crash. And other days, I just never got out of bed. I imagine this is God's way of preparing me for what's to come for 9 months, when we do get pregnant again.
I am so thankful for all the love & support we received. I am forever grateful to those who reached out & checked on me. And offered up an hear for me to vent into. I would never had made it the last week without you. There's a lot of emotions that are still playing out. We lost a child, that we will never get to hold or love & that's the hardest part of all this. But we are in the process of grieving & I may do another post later on describing what we are going to do to help us get past this. But like I said, we are still working on that part. I want to assure everyone that we are going to be fine. We are going back to the Dr. today, to get game plan together so this doesn't ever happen again. And I will let you all know, what that means soon, And the statistics show that we are much more likely to get pregnant again, very fast. So fingers crossed & prayers going up!!!
Much love,
Angie
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