Countdown to Heartbeart

Our appointment to hear the heartbeat is on Friday at 745AM!!!  Yes we booked the earliest possible appointment & I told them I would be in there in my jammies to hear it, can't wait!!! Burk of course will be dressed less appropriately haha, in his work attire. This is the appointment that our OBGYN booked for us mere hours before she leaves to go out of town, so that we can hear the heartbeat & relax while she's on vacay. Wow, what a blessing she is!! Our day begins with hearing our baby's heartbeat then ends with another pregnant friend at their BIG gender reveal party...excitement overload! I know it will be here before we know it but waiting is never easy. But I know it will be worth it in the end.

Meanwhile, I wonder if this is what the baby is thinking...I must be famous already because people keep putting that camera thingy in my face & poking around my home while I am trying to sleep. But on the upside, I get my picture taken & I get to practice smiling. I hope my mommy & daddy are proud!!!

XOXO,
Angie, Burk & Baby Charlotte Nash

We're Pregnant - Meet Baby Charlotte Nash

Bump Coming Soon!!

We are so excited to finally announce this to everyone!!!! I knew I was pregnant 8 DPO (days post ovulation). In fact, I considered the pregnancy test a mere formality to prove that I really did know what was going on inside my body. I took the test & handed it to Burk & said, "I told you so" a phrase he is all too familiar with after 10 years of marriage. It was incredibly satisfying, not only to realize how in tune I am with my body but that we were able get pregnant again only 3 weeks post miscarriage, what a blessing from God. By the way, my mom knew she was pregnant with me before she ever went to the doctor & I knew with ours..so it was perfect!!

For the first week, no one knew but the 2 of us, my sister & one very special already pregnant friend. My parents were on a cruise, in the middle of the ocean & we had agreed to not tell them until they got back. So for an entire week, I had to keep quiet...it was killing me. But I think they knew regardless. Mom started sending me text messages the moment they boarded the ship that were clearly messages from God telling me not to stress out about it.

When they finally arrived home, we ran over to their house & presented them with a card that told them they were going to be grandparents!!! Elaina, my sweet 9 year old niece had helped me make it & it was so cute! It read...
Cost of this card: FREE
Cost of you fleeing the country the week we find out we are pregnant: RIDICULOUS haha
The look on your face when you find out you are going to be grandparents again: PRICELESS!!!

Right now, my symptoms are pretty normal & they fluctuate from day to day...bloating, sore boobs, hungry all the time, etc. But my hormones are by far my most interesting part thus far. I have gone from laughing to crying to laughing to wanting to punch people in the face, all in about 5 mins. And Burk just laughs. He is very lucky that I view his laughter as being directed at the hormones themselves & not me.

When we went in for our last check up, my OBGYN practically bounced into the room happy to see baby's progress!!! She has been cautiously optimistic since we miscarried back in April but all that changed when we finally saw the yoke sac on the ultrasound. She told us how excited she was getting & that she wasn't leaving town for her vacation until we get to hear the heartbeat. She literally scheduled us for another appointment, mere hours before she leaves on vacation so we can relax while she's gone. What a blessing she is!!

Here's a little background on the names, Charlotte was my mom's sister that passed away when they were 9 years old, she & my mom both had polio. No one in our family has ever used the name before, so it seems perfect. Ironically, Princess Charlotte was born about the same time that we were considering the name. Princess Diana & Charles announced their engagement the day my sister Diana was born, so we have a long history with names & the royal family. Now Nash, which is short for Nashville, was something we came up with on our annual trip to Nashville to visit friends.

We have really enjoyed sharing the news with people privately over the last few weeks. We have really tried to savor these moments & only share with those we felt needed to know, early on. But as things have progressed we are more than thrilled to share our news with everyone!!! Please know that you are an important part of this & we know that you will help us build a strong Christian foundation for our child. Thanks for all the prayers & support, we appreciate them more than you will ever know!!!

XOXO,
Angie, Burk & Baby Charlotte Nash

Early Signs & Symptoms Appearing

I want to remember exactly how I am feeling right now, just a few days away from testing & 8 DPO (days post ovulation), so here we go. My confidence that we were able to make this happen is running very high, as it should be. Signs & symptoms are slowly starting to appear, I am exhausted (keep crashing), mild cramping & pressure, lots of bloating/gas, dizziness/lightheaded, BBT Luteal phase dip (implantation), crankiness, there a few other ones but I will keep them to myself. But very soon, I will be leaving my dignity at the door. Now if I am wrong about all this, I am fine with that. You can call it woman's intuition but I feel like our lives are about to change for the better!! I am overwhelmed with joy & fear, anxious about how everything will play out. I am envisioning the look on Burk's face when we discover those 2 lines. And so excited to video the process of us finding out & getting to share it with all of you, later on down the road.

Speaking of this is happening, I have been meaning to share this...so God came to me, while I was driving a few months back & told me this baby was going to happen & not to worry. Of course, I burst into tears of joy, while trying to get on I-40E. And I am sure the other drivers thought I was just crying over all the construction and maybe I was a little. But it was one of those moments that you never forget. And it's been the thing that has kept me going, through this entire process. It's also been the thing that kept me grounded, when we miscarried last month. And it kept me from going crazy & saying what I really wanted to say, every time someone would tell me "don't rush it" or "just have fun" or "when you stop trying it will happen"...these things may all seem like great advice. But for me, God is in control of all of this & when he's ready it will happen.

Back when he sent us on this journey & told me to do this, I really thought he was crazy. We spent 10 years thinking this wasn't for us & all that changed basically overnight. God & I talk a lot in the middle of the night (when I wake up & can't go back to sleep). And it was in the middle of the night that he shared that this was what he wanted us to do. So the next day, I woke up on a mission & we haven't looked back since. Which makes me very thankful for those moments of sleeplessness, it's valuable time spent with him...so you will rarely hear me complain about not being able to sleep. I wouldn't be on this journey without sleeplessness!!

My parents are about to embark on another journey that will keep us from being to reach them, to share any happy news. I think this is God's way of ensuring that we won't tell the world before telling our family. Since we kinda went crazy telling everyone last time. I think it's a good thing. We will keep our happy news to ourselves, savoring every moment we can. A good friend of mine, told me when I am tempted to call someone & share...to just sit the dogs down & tell them, LOL!!! Great advice & I will definitely be doing that A LOT!!!

XOXO,
Angie

Don't Call Me Disconnected :) & Other Post Miscarriage Challenges

If I learned anything this time around, it's evident the miracle that babies really are!!! There's so much that goes into this & sometimes I envy those who got pregnant without trying. But then again, I realize how much different this journey would be and I am so thankful that God choose this path for us. Here are some of the challenges we were faced with this time around. I wanted to share these things because they are a real part of what happens post "M" word.

It was very hard to pinpoint ovulation. Normally, my app does it for me but all bets were off because my body was resetting itself. Oh yeah, a uterus guessing game!! Which did help make it fun, of course. Previously, I was using ovulation tests as a back up to confirm that my app was correct. But without my app, I was lost. I starting testing last Saturday (the "M" word stopped 5 days prior). I got what I thought was a + but I was misread it...mine don't say yes or no, I actually have to interrupt the results. And I kept misreading them up because I wouldn't read the directions, typical ADHD for you!! And when we thought we were done trying, I took one last test & realized how wrong I was. Oh my goodness, I wasn't sure I could keep going..then someone reminded me what Betty White said...

Yep, thanks Betty!

I was still charting my BBT (Basil Body Temperature) everyday but it wasn't telling me much because it wouldn't spike. I kept waiting & thinking ovulation had occurred. But that's how I figured out the ovulation tests were messing up (see, I can just blame them). And when the spike finally happened it was less than 24 hours post ovulation, Which was a much shorter time frame than last month. Our bodies are really amazing & are quite the enigma sometimes.

Ultimately, it took more out of us this time around, because not only were we trying to figure all this out & hitting bumps in the road but there were about a billion other things happening all at the same time. Burk had an interview (another position at his hotel) on Thursday & it wasn't until Friday when he asked me if I wanted to hear about it...oh my goodness I had completely forgotten to ask how it went (terrible wife, haha)!!! Then I was dealing with my own work related stuff, where someone decided to call me out as being "disconnected"...LOL, of course I am disconnected, the "M" word will do that to you!!  Plus, I found out that a close friend, whom I tried to tell I was pregnant but never called me back (so I didn't think she knew about the pregnancy or the "m" word either). But she revealed that she read about it on the blog. That's not how I wanted her to find out but if that's good enough for her then I will just have to make my peace with it. But it made me think that she intentionally chose not to reach out & say anything in part because we had argued over something silly just a few weeks ago & she was still upset...anyways, I really hope that's not the case.

All of that lead to the realization that my anxiety was rearing it's ugly head so I got myself back in the gym yesterday & didn't leave til I worked out the desire to CUSS everyone out & tell everyone to BITE ME :)!! I feel much better now & I am getting refocused. We are looking forward to what's lies ahead for us. There is so much hope right now!!!

XOXO,
Angie

We Can Get Pregnant!!!

That's the good news...we can get pregnant..YIPPIE!! The bad news is something went wrong (we don't like the M word, so it will not be used) & 5 weeks into it...we are back to trying. I only knew for 5 days that I was pregnant..in that there's a blessing. My symptoms had only just begun (oh my goodness, the gas!!!) & I probably wouldn't have known if the test had not come up positive.

I want to say this...I do not believe that this should be kept a secret. Not talking about it is dangerous & sends the wrong message to women everywhere..that this is a taboo subject. Well, it can happen to anyone. And it should not be a secret. We have to talk about this or we will go crazy!!! I feared that this was one of the worst things, one could ever experience because no one really talks about it.  Well I am here to talk about it. In hopes that if you ever find yourself where I am right now or know someone who is, you know you can come to me & I will understand. And for us, we are coming out on the other side much stronger and with a clearer understanding of why babies are such miracles & gifts from God. And I am even more excited about getting pregnant again & carrying this baby to full term.

Here's what happened....I went to work on Monday April 27 & within a few hours, I knew what was happening. I ran to my OBGYN, took some blood-work & then they called the next day to confirm it was true. Thank goodness, I was off work on Tuesday, so I could just rest. In fact that's pretty much all I have done is rest. Tuesday night I got to experience what I imagine was just a glimpse into what giving birth is like. In fact, the pain (that came in the form of severe cramping) was my body doing it's job & God was taking away what wasn't right. About an hour into it, Burk grabbed me some pain meds & handed them to me. It had not occurred to me to ask for anything. When you are in a state like that you just want to get on the other side of it. And within 20 mins, the pain had subsided.

For me, the entire process took 7 days to complete. This doesn't happen overnight. But our bodies are very smart & they know what to do. For 7 days, I had up's & down's. Someday's I would have some energy early on in the day but by mid afternoon, I would crash. And I am not talking about a normal late afternoon crash, that is easily cured with caffine...oh no, I am talking about I was not able to stand, kind of crash. And other days, I just never got out of bed. I imagine this is God's way of preparing me for what's to come for 9 months, when we do get pregnant again.

I am so thankful for all the love & support we received. I am forever grateful to those who reached out & checked on me. And offered up an hear for me to vent into. I would never had made it the last week without you. There's a lot of emotions that are still playing out. We lost a child, that we will never get to hold or love & that's the hardest part of all this. But we are in the process of grieving & I may do another post later on describing what we are going to do to help us get past this. But like I said, we are still working on that part. I want to assure everyone that we are going to be fine. We are going back to the Dr. today, to get game plan together so this doesn't ever happen again. And I will let you all know, what that means soon, And the statistics show that we are much more likely to get pregnant again, very fast. So fingers crossed & prayers going up!!!

Much love,
Angie

Just Have Fun & Don't Stress Out

I have been putting too much pressure on myself, when it comes to this baby making stuff. Everyone kept saying that we just needed to have fun but I didn't understand what that meant. Well I can officially say that we just had fun this month. The details are highly entertaining & I have shared with several of you how we did things this time around but I won't post that on here (cut to the applause). Even though it took a while to grasp this "just have fun" concept. Honestly, I think that I had to stress out to figure out how to relax. Sounds crazy but it's a journey that we have to take for ourselves.  Even though the "fun" is over & the waiting begins again, I am hopeful that I will find a new level of peace in knowing that this is in God's hands. And with each passing month, I am thankful to be presented with the opportunity to give things up to him, one more time. It's really teaching me a lot!

Even though I am trying not to stress...someone asked me recently, if I had something personal going on at home because I have been so stressed out lately. Inside my head, I wanted to scream YES, I am trying to conceive a child...where have you been? But I didn't, I remained calm. And I am very proud of that. I understand that until you have tried, it's impossible to grasp the challenges that come along with this. But the smallest things are setting me off right now. Even though I am trying so hard to breathe, relax & not let anything get to me. But I am not perfect & I slip up...A LOT!!

However, I am so thankful that God has given us an amazing support system of friends. One's who happily walk up to us in public & share that they are praying for us. So many people have done it, we need it so bad & we feel those prayers everyday, thank you so very much (you know who you are)!!! Keep those prayers coming!

Hugs,
Angie

Updates & Pregnancy Tests

Update: so here's where we are at...after 10 days of cramping, 6 days of spotting, shear exhaustion, mood swings like crazy, backaches & heartaches..sadly the stupid tests were all correct. I am not pregnant. But clearly my body wants to be!! The good news is, I felt ovulation. I was standing at work & this surge of something trying to push out from the inside, hit me. I called a friend of mine & I shared my experience & she assured me that what was exactly what I felt. And apparently we are supposed to feel it, it means we are producing good fertile eggs. The same friend (who I would be lost without) also explained to me that all of this just means my body is preparing for the fact that we are trying to get pregnant. My body knows what I am trying to do, how smart is that?!

I am sure you already know this but pregnancy tests suck, when trying!!! They all get together & laugh, mocking my endless attempts to get a positive result. I am not proud of this but our trash can was overflowing this month & I hope I have learned a valuable lesson...patience!! Seeing that negative result over & over again does nothing but break you down & cause heartache. And the 99% accuracy they all promise is not even until the expected day of your period. So not only are these things stupid but they are expensive & stupid. Good news is, I have found a website that is going to help with the expensive part. Here's the link Early Pregnancy Tests , for anyone who may be interested. They have everything you need for TTC (trying to conceive, see I am learning lots). I have a cart full of stuff that I am about to order & won't break the bank. One thing I haven't been doing to tracking my BBT (Basil Body Temperature). So that's my focus for next month.  That's all for now!

XOXO,
Angie

Here We Go Again

Burk & I were talking last night & we have decided that we will pretty much mentally high five anyone in the face that admits that they either got pregnant on accident or nailed it on the first try haha! Maybe then they won't be so quick to spout off their rather uneventful accomplishments. Clearly, right now I can not envy those who didn't have to work for it!!! In my mind, they are like freaks of nature defying the laws of science & everything else for that matter. Ok, I am done & I am only joking!! Anyone who has "tried" knows this is not easy & it's exhausting back breaking labor. I woke up this morning feeling a little broken by our attempts. And I realize it's only going to get better (or worse, depending on how you want to look it) from here. But I do feel much more confident about our attempts this month versus last.

I have exchanged the basic how to's with so many people & so thankful to have so many of you rooting for us. But it's easy to see how we messed up last month. Bottom line is we started too early...6 days out (from ovulation) was too much for us. And by the time I was ovulating, we were both so exhausted that we just couldn't make it happen. My advice, don't start more than 72 hrs prior to ovulation. It's just not necessary. Unless by chance you & your partner have some freaky amazing stamina & can perform non stop for 6 days. We were able to accomplish 72 hours prior & 48 hours prior, which means we have 2 attempts to back us up. And if we are up to it, we could have 1 more. And then all that's left is the waiting..the nail biting, I hate this more than anything, waiting. But with God anything is possible!!!

We joke constantly about how everything has to be perfectly lined up to make this work. And of the 2 of us, I will let you guess who you think is the most opinionated about all the things that have to be just right, like the room temperature must be at a certain degree & no dogs out (barking is always a distraction)...well you were wrong, it's Burk, NOT ME!!! I know, I was shocked too!!! I love him so much for wanting this so bad but he has to have everything just right. And it's sweet but funny all at the same time. That's all for now. Keep the prayers coming!!!

XOXO,
Angie

No Baby Yet

I debated over whether or not to just post a status update on FB or actually address this in a post, as you can see the post won!!! I knew it was coming (stupid period). But for the 1st time in my life, it's arrival wasn't met with cheers & high fives for not getting preggers!! Crazy part is I knew it was coming about a week ago. And knew in my heart we had not been successful this round. But nothing was certain til it arrived. I tried not to focus on the fact that we apparently don't know how to do "it" right haha but on the fact that my Ladytimer app actually calculated my ovulating precisely so we nailed it (no pun intended) timing wise. It just wasn't God's perfect timing yet. I never cried, which surprised me a little. But I did get upset about things that didn't really matter. I think that was just my way of dealing with the disappointment. This is hard & there is no way around the amount of patience one has to have with this process. But we will try it again & again until we get this right. I think next month will be so much easier & I am going to feel like a pro!!  

Rough Week & Ways to Cope

Even though things are much better now, the beginning of this week started off rough. Only because Burk & I are taking very different approaches on how to cope during this waiting period. He is basically erring on the side of caution & trying not to get anyone's hopes up yet by assuming no pregnancy until the test says so. But as the bearer of this child, I feel like it is my job to assume that I am (going to get) pregnant, remaining calm, relaxed & giving my body the best chance to do it's job. Which means, I need him to do whatever he can to support that. And keep our home as peaceful as possible. But if that test comes back & says no, then that's ok & we will try again. God has a plan & I am walking in faith no matter what. But it seemed like hope was being lost.

After a few days of really stupid arguments that weren't helping me relax at all, we sat down & talked. I explained that I can't walk around pretending I am not pregnant. Not only is that incredibly depressing to me but not all in keeping with the faith I have in God. But that doesn't mean I am telling people I am pregnant either. Of course, being the Burk I know & love he started telling me all the things I needed to be doing. Like giving me a long list of todo's was going to help me relax. One funny thing I have to share is that he thought I needed to up my calories in my fitness app. I laughed & asked him how many calories do you think a pregnant woman should be eating? He responded, "a lot more than you are now!" I laughed & told him that we only need to eat about 300 extra calories a day & that doesn't begin until the second trimester. I wish ya'll could have seen his face, it was priceless. I just realized I am going to have to count on my close female friends (you know who you are) a lot during this process because I can't expect him to understand all this.

Just prior to us sitting down & talking, I did something that helped me tremendously. I went into a maternity store in the mall & looked around a bit. I figured that since I was feeling down about not knowing yet, that being surrounded by those who have been in my shoes, might help. And in the process I could start planning cute maternity outfits. Well it worked!!! I found tons of cute stuff. I even found the perfect pillow for sleeping on my side, it's a must have.

I have also been taking online quizzes just for fun, to find out the kind of mom I am going to be, apparently I favor a "Whatever Works" kind. I will try things but if they don't work then no biggie, I will just try something else. And I will try not to do things just because a book tells me so. I really want to focus on what works best for the baby & for us. And just spend time getting used to everything & not pushing myself too hard to figure it all out at once. That's all for now. Hope everyone has a wonderful Valentine's day,we are doing a quiet dinner at home with homemade sushi (cooked for me of course, just in case), can't wait!!!

XOXO,
Angie

The Waiting Begins

And now we wait...2 weeks of waiting!!! This is the not so fun part. I asked Burk if he felt like time was creeping by & he responded that it wasn't for him. So I realize now it's a women thing..oh my gravy, hours feel like days right now. Although I wouldn't say that I am obsessing about being pregnant, I would say that my body can be easily persuaded by my desire to be pregnant. After taking a quiz (just for fun), I am experiencing about 25% of the signs that I may be pregnant. But I take that with a grain of salt.

Right now, I feel slightly (that may be an understatement) more anxious than I normally do, so I am doing a lot things that bring me peace & calm me. I have already had 2 episodes this week, luckily neither lasted more than a few minutes. However, feeling like I am going to pass out & having my heart race is just not any fun. I used to feel weak & out of control when my anxiety would hit. And I would beat myself up over not being able to control it. But I have come to accept it as a part of life & not judge myself too harshly, especially right now. I have to let go & let God.

I know that if we find out that our efforts didn't pay off this month we still have plenty of time to conceive. I have learned that 3-6 months on average is what it takes, so I am mentally prepared if it doesn't happen. But I am not going to be emotionally prepared. And I know I am probably going to cry. Just because of how hard we worked in a very short time frame. And let me say that the exhaustion from trying was hard on both of us. By the end of it, we were finding it hard to stay motivated but we managed to push thru it. So, I have developed a whole new respect for those that are trying. It's not easy having to do that everyday or even every other day. I apologize if that's too much information. But I am sure we are not are the first to feel that way. And after all I promised to be honest about this process.

Right now, we just need your prayers. Prayers for peace & for the next 2 weeks to not creep by so slowly that I lose my mind. And prayers that my anxiety will realize it's not welcomed here. Thanks for being a part of this journey. That's all for now.

XOXO,
Angie

Why Do We Call Parenting a Job?

I posed the question on my Facebook page & received roughly the same answer from everyone. Thank you for your feedback!! We can all agree that parenting is a 24 hour a day responsibility that comes with lots of laughter, hugs & kisses but it also comes with making the decisions that are going to be best for our little ones. What I am about to share is my opinion. So, I want to prepare you for some sarcasm, some laughter & the opportunity to embrace another's viewpoint on becoming a parent.

In my opinion, calling parenting a job, makes it sound impersonal. Let me explain...when we are at our jobs, we are dealing with strangers...people who don't really know who we are. And for me, I have operated under the reality that we never really know the people we work with because we don't see them outside of work. They only see the work us, not the personal us. Obviously this doesn't apply to everyone. But it does for me. And I consider work me & home me as two different people. I do not go home at night & try to sell tea to Burk...haha!! When I go home, I am there to love him & build our life's together. If we call parenting a job, how would that apply when there are those out there who hate their jobs? And only have them as a means to support their families. These people will probably never put into a job what they will put into loving their spouse & children. However, I am perfectly fine with comparing parenting to community service..it's forced on some & you don't get paid. Or maybe it's a you do the crime you do the time kind of scenario, sex is the crime & the time comes 9 months later with an 18 yr sentence!!! But for me, I don't see this as job.

I think there's a special (like stop eating the paste, kind of special haha) group of people out there that put themselves above those who don't have kids & make very overstated comments about what being a parent is really like, to throw off others & make them feel less than adequate for their choices in life. I have seen it for years now. And I believe that it's years of this being passed down from generation to generation that has led to the negative stereotype that parenting is a job. But in reality parenting is a journey, with ups & downs, lessons galore, hugs, kisses, sometimes it's easy but sometimes it's not & it can seem like a job but it's LIFE. And it's why we are here. To love others, to take care of those around us.

Here are some aspects of jobs & parenting that differ:

Jobs                                             Parenting
Given to 1 person                        Given to 2 ppl
Get time off                                  24/7
Payment in $                                Payment in hugs, kisses, smiles, laughter
People tell you what to do           You & your spouse are the boss
Interview process                         No interview process
Get a lunch break                         No food for you, haha!!!
Can be fired, laid off                    Can never be fired or laid off

Burk & I have put so much into this already...just in the last 2 months. I have come home at night and crashed just from the sheer exhaustion & the emotional aspects of making this decision. But I have never thought about this as a job. After all the bible tells us that children are a blessing, a reward!! And I intend to continue to fully embrace, every moment of this journey. Praying that our efforts to conceive pay off sooner than later. And that we are forever changed into better people because of this. That's all for now.

XOXO,
Angie

The Perfect Valentine's Day

Well, Valentine's Day is just around the corner & after last year we weren't sure how we could top it..mostly because so much thought & planning went into it. Of course, we now laugh at the thought of thinking we couldn't top, an indoor fondue picnic by the fireplace!!! Even though it was very romantic.

Obviously, so much has changed in the last year, even in the last 2 months & we thought what better way to celebrate Valentine's 2015 than to start trying to get pregnant. Yep, it's really happening (I am really just trying to convince myself at this point)!!! We are so excited, scared, hopeful & about a millon other emotions all wrapped into one. When I get pregnant, we have agreed to not share the news immediately. But we are not going to make anyone wait 3 months either. There's a balance & we need all the prayers we can get. So, as soon as we both feel like we have saviored the news as a couple, we will share it. After all we want nothing more than to have all of you join us in celebrating the expansion of our family!!! All I ask of you now, please pray that our future child has Burk's brains & my good looks & I think we will be just fine HAHA!!  That's all for now.

Angie

Conquering the "What If's"

Earlier this week, I laid in bed trying to go to sleep, worrying about baby stuff. I couldn't stop thinking about all the "what if's" & of course it's like a one way ticket to crazy-town. So, I started to pray & a quiet voice told me that by the time you have this baby...none of that will matter. I will watch over you & take care of you...don't worry. And even though it wasn't immediate, peace eventually came over me & I feel asleep.

God is clearly no longer listening to me when I say that I am not ready for this. So no matter how much I worry that this is happening too fast or that we are not ready...won't change where we are headed. Because as soon as I start worrying, God reminds me of the long trail of how he has prepared us to be ready, down thru the years. All the fears I have already conquered, thanks to him. And all the trials that we have come out on the other side of, like both losing our jobs at the same time. Throughout all of that, we survived. Not just as individuals but as a couple & we are so much stronger for having gone through that stuff together..this should be no different. So, I will continue to give up my worries to God. And yes, they will come back & I will give them up again. It's a never-ending cycle but it's ok, when we are trying to make the most important decision we will ever make as a couple.

The worry and doubt has been what's kept us baby free for 10 years. And I imagine that's the way it is for a lot of people. It's hard to push past all of that. And I was honestly content with it just being the two of us. Until a light bulb flipped on inside me, back in December. And those negative "what if's" started changing into positive ones. Let this be a lesson, that I need to remind myself to replace the negative "what if's" with positive ones, anytime I start worrying. Because I know God is telling me that his plan is bigger than what I had in mind for myself. He wants us to put our trust in him & just let go. He has been planting this seed for years. This is not easy...this is not who I thought I was. I am forever being changed because of my love for Burk, for God & God's love for us. And it's amazing & freaking scary all at the same time!!! I tear up just thinking about how emotional this journey has already been & how it's going to only get better & better as we move into the next phase of all this...the actually getting pregnant part. Holy crap, there I said it!! Oh my, I am so scared...make it stop, I am not ready..wait yes I am but no I am not. See, I AM crazy!!! I can't be a mom, I am going to lose my mind, haha :)!!! That's all for now.

Angie

Planning Ahead & Greatest Birthday Present EVER

Today has been all about medical stuff. Finding out about midwives in the area, maternity leave stuff & getting an appt to go see my dentist because apparently having dental work done while pregnant is a bad idea (who knew)!!! Plus, I want to get all this out of the way beforehand, so that I can just sit back & relax.

I called about maternity leave to find out all the details & the first thing the women told me was that I would be losing my insurance, WHAT??!! Apparently, if you don't know how to word it properly that's what it sounds like. She totally freaked me out & had me on the verge of a panic attack!!! What she was trying to tell me was that since I won't have a regular paycheck coming in while I am out, I will be billed for my insurance separately. Of course at the same rate that I was paying, so the amount doesn't change. So thank goodness for that!!!

I also found out that I am potentially eligible for up to 12 weeks of leave & I can be paid for a portion of that time & with a portion of my salary...some crazy percentage, like 66 2/3rds %...what the heck kind of percentage is that?! I will never figure out that number, even with a calculator!!! All great news, since we are trying to save up 3 months of my salary NOW so that I can take that time off & not worry about anything. So whatever I can still get paid above what we have saved, not to mention I have PTO, will just be bonus. And I have already come up with some ideas on how to do that & we just need to put them into action.

This weekend in Nashville, I got the greatest birthday present, a hubby could ever get his wife!!!

Burk is really funny about all this. I have yet to actually hear him say "yes, let's do this" (and believe me I have tried) but I guess the old saying, actions speak louder than words, really comes into play here. So what I can tell you is that we have decided to let nature take it's course. And all that means is we are content with whatever amount of time it takes to get there. And if I don't get pregnant this month or next, it doesn't mean anything is wrong with me. This is all part of God's plan for our lives & we want his will to be done. That's all for now!

Angie

Giving It Up To God

I am not afraid of tomorrow because I know God is already there!!!

There is so much about this journey that I have no control over. And I think it's all the uncertainty that comes with this that makes this decision so hard. But as I look back, I realize how he has already led me to give up some many fears and my life is so much better now after doing so. My fear of being away from home, thunderstorms, flying, not being able to hold down a successful job, etc. But this is the BIG one...almost like my finally leap of faith in God to say once & for all... this is yours. I fully trust in you!!! And once I do this, it's proof I can do anything. Because in order to move forward, to experience life altering decisions, we have to give things up to God, completely. He wouldn't be leading me to this if he didn't have a wonderful plan waiting on the other side. 

So I knew when I started this process that being open could bring in questions & concerns that people have about getting pregnant at my age & stage in life. And that's ok. But all those things are really in God's hands. They are not for me to deal with. And I will not be addressing them unless a doctor or other health professional tells me they are a concern.

There is so much happiness that comes along with this journey. And I will continue to share every moment. So I am not going to tell you to not share things with me. Because I fully trust this process & whatever God has in store for me. That's all for now.

Angie

My Grandmother's Message From Heaven

Pop, Dad & Margie

According to my sister Diana, our grandmother Margie (my dad's mom, who is no longer with us) came to her in a dream & told her something important (happy & good) about us making this decision on whether or not to have a baby. OMG, I was so excited that she's up there & she knows!! Of course I teared up, I miss her & I wish she could be here in person to help us make this decision. But so far Diana is keeping whatever she told her to herself. But just until I get pregnant so not to influence our decision. Her heart is in the right place but it's killing me, I want to know!!! I tried everything to get it out of her but she's not talking. Not even to our parents!! What?? I thought I could get it out of them for sure but she's obviously thought this through & anticipated my attempt to wear them down, as well. Oh well, she may not be talking now but I will find out & when I do, I promise to share!! That's all for now.

Angie

Changing Fundamentals

I am discovering that this process is changing the fundamentals about my life. How I am thinking about everything is much different now. It's really changing how I spend my free time, how I view the people I come across daily & my time with Burk, just to name a few. I used to think Burk & I couldn't get enough time together & I was always ready to fight (not physically of course, ok well maybe that one time) anyone who jeopardized the time we did get. And now all of a sudden, I am able to put that behind me & embrace every moment that we spend together, as if nothing else matters & it's wonderful!! And my freetime used to be spent on Facebook or doing something equally lame. Now I researching my options, watching videos and writing. And all I do at work now, is talk about how I am feeling about all this. My co-workers are wonderful & I owe them HUGE for listening to me ramble on for hours about all this.

Just going through this process is giving my life a whole new meaning but I do worry that even though this is a good thing, what if we decide not to do this? How will I ever be able to go back? I feel stronger and more empowered & I have already come so far. But I am certain that I am not & never will use the term "super women" to describe myself or anyone else, who goes through this. This is just a part of life, a fork in the road & life altering decision. Super powers, NOT INCLUDED!!!

One thing is for sure, as silly as this sounds music is by far a wonderful way to express how we are feeling at times. And sometimes others can pinpoint exactly how we are feeling & bring things out that we didn't even know existed. So with this process, one of my favorite songs has taken on a whole new meaning. Don't laugh, I know this is super lame but "Let It Go" is my theme song at the moment. And not just letting go of my past but all my fears, worries and feelings on becoming a parent. And completely giving them up to God.

Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl you always had to be
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know
Well now they know

I was always afraid to let people see how I really felt about having kids & now you know! And you know that I am no longer afraid to share that.

It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all
Up here in the cold thin air I finally can breathe
I know I left a life behind but I'm too relieved to grieve

My fears, even though they will always exist but now in much smaller manageable quantities. I know I have left that life behind but I really am too relieved to grieve. 

All for now!!

Angie

Finding Our Way

After my last post, Burk & I discovered the unique paths we are on, while we are trying to arrive at the same decision. Even though we didn't choose these paths out loud, we just naturally fell into them, I love that we are both concentrating on what we feel is most important. My first priority is to educate myself about what it's going to be like to carry Baby Forester for 9 months. Then make good decisions about how to bring her/him into this world safely (as I discussed previously). But what I love the most is that he is putting in the effort with what's going to happen afterwards. He is actually taking on the part that I have given up to God. Will we be good parents, what if we disagree on how to do things, what if we mess them up? You know all the things I am sure every parent worries about. He's already thinking about these things & I am not even pregnant yet, which tells me what a great father he is going to be!!

I feel like we may be further along in the process that we originally thought. We have already discussed some of the things we are looking forward to. Mine are: having Burk take care of me for 9 months, embracing this process fully & completely, creating at birth plan that allows for the least intervention but also to trust the process if intervention is needed, the 6 weeks after the baby is born & being home & taking care of this baby, together.  His are: (keep in mind, we have a sweet but stubborn dog that doesn't listen sometimes) so he is excited about being able to communicate with the child..like "no" & "stop that" might actually work. He is also excited about teaching the baby about things that are important to him, like literature. And we talked about exposing our child to many different options, like piano lessons or dancing or singing, etc...but not as means to force them into but as a means to give them options. And we would be fine with whatever they picked.

We have also discussed all the things we have accomplished to get to where we are now. This is going to be my first year, EVER in my career that I will only have 1 tax return (this job thing has always been such an issue) & I am so excited to finally have landed where I am!!! We live in an amazing condo that we love & it's set up perfectly to have a child. We both have cars that are fully functioning (that has not always been the case) & 1 is about to be paid off. Coco is about to get fixed & we are purposely doing it now so that she will have time to calm down before the baby arrives. We are both happy with where we are & with what we have accomplished just in the last 4 years or so. And we both agree that even if nothing changed, even if we decided not to do this that we would both still be happy. It's like right before anyone decides to get married, we have to be ok with being alone or single before we can get married. And that's where we are right now. We are ok with not having a baby & still loving our lives, I hope that makes sense. Well, that's all for now.

Angie

Intro: To Baby or Not To Baby

This is where I am going to chronicle my decision on whether or not to become a mom. All the ups & downs, fears & excitement, all in one place. NOTE: I am NOT pregnant.

Back in December, the whole "baby fever" hit me really hard. Most times it comes on, then it's gone within a few days. It's a normal pattern, I have fallen into for many years. But something different happened this time. I started looking at being a parent much differently. What if they are right? What if this is so much better than I ever imagined but I have been allowing fear to take over? What if everything I have done up until this point was to get me ready for the biggest & best thing I may ever do? What if I completely put my trust in God & let this happen? All these questions & so many more kept popping up & I couldn't push them out, like I had 1000 times before. Maybe I owed it to myself, my husband & my family to figure this thing out...once & for all. After all, I will be 38 years old on January 18, 2015. Not that I am getting too old for this. Women have babies well into their late forties. But I don't want to be in my sixties, when Baby Forester goes off to college.

My husband & I have spent the better part of 10 years, thinking that having kids wasn't for us. And there's loads of judgement that comes along with that...not from my family but from complete strangers. We were called so many names & judged by so many people that I actually developed resentment for myself.  And I began pushing away everything that was kid related. I didn't want to deal with it. It was a side of me that people would never really understand. And I began believing that I was selfish, too immature & I would never be ready to give up everything to bring another human into this world. And maybe at the time, that was true but I don't believe those lies anymore. And even though we told people we never completely 100% ruled it out, we did realize if it happened it was going to be God's perfect plan for us & we would embrace it no matter what.

Yesterday & today, I spent time watching episodes from More on Business of Being Born on Netflix & watching natural home births on Youtube and I loved every minute of it. It's amazing what our bodies are capable of doing. And God made us to do this. And every single one I watched, I realized how wonderful, beautiful & crazy this is going to be...should I decide to do this. I will admit that I am at a bit more at peace with the birth process, that formally freaked me out. I know it's not going to be easy but there is an end result that is more beautiful that anything imaginable. And I know watching some videos on Youtube doesn't make me an expert or even come close to preparing me for the real thing but I am at peace with knowing that if I trust my body & the process, giving birth can be the most amazing experience ever. That's all for now!

Angie