Conquering the "What If's"

Earlier this week, I laid in bed trying to go to sleep, worrying about baby stuff. I couldn't stop thinking about all the "what if's" & of course it's like a one way ticket to crazy-town. So, I started to pray & a quiet voice told me that by the time you have this baby...none of that will matter. I will watch over you & take care of you...don't worry. And even though it wasn't immediate, peace eventually came over me & I feel asleep.

God is clearly no longer listening to me when I say that I am not ready for this. So no matter how much I worry that this is happening too fast or that we are not ready...won't change where we are headed. Because as soon as I start worrying, God reminds me of the long trail of how he has prepared us to be ready, down thru the years. All the fears I have already conquered, thanks to him. And all the trials that we have come out on the other side of, like both losing our jobs at the same time. Throughout all of that, we survived. Not just as individuals but as a couple & we are so much stronger for having gone through that stuff together..this should be no different. So, I will continue to give up my worries to God. And yes, they will come back & I will give them up again. It's a never-ending cycle but it's ok, when we are trying to make the most important decision we will ever make as a couple.

The worry and doubt has been what's kept us baby free for 10 years. And I imagine that's the way it is for a lot of people. It's hard to push past all of that. And I was honestly content with it just being the two of us. Until a light bulb flipped on inside me, back in December. And those negative "what if's" started changing into positive ones. Let this be a lesson, that I need to remind myself to replace the negative "what if's" with positive ones, anytime I start worrying. Because I know God is telling me that his plan is bigger than what I had in mind for myself. He wants us to put our trust in him & just let go. He has been planting this seed for years. This is not easy...this is not who I thought I was. I am forever being changed because of my love for Burk, for God & God's love for us. And it's amazing & freaking scary all at the same time!!! I tear up just thinking about how emotional this journey has already been & how it's going to only get better & better as we move into the next phase of all this...the actually getting pregnant part. Holy crap, there I said it!! Oh my, I am so scared...make it stop, I am not ready..wait yes I am but no I am not. See, I AM crazy!!! I can't be a mom, I am going to lose my mind, haha :)!!! That's all for now.

Angie