Intro: To Baby or Not To Baby

This is where I am going to chronicle my decision on whether or not to become a mom. All the ups & downs, fears & excitement, all in one place. NOTE: I am NOT pregnant.

Back in December, the whole "baby fever" hit me really hard. Most times it comes on, then it's gone within a few days. It's a normal pattern, I have fallen into for many years. But something different happened this time. I started looking at being a parent much differently. What if they are right? What if this is so much better than I ever imagined but I have been allowing fear to take over? What if everything I have done up until this point was to get me ready for the biggest & best thing I may ever do? What if I completely put my trust in God & let this happen? All these questions & so many more kept popping up & I couldn't push them out, like I had 1000 times before. Maybe I owed it to myself, my husband & my family to figure this thing out...once & for all. After all, I will be 38 years old on January 18, 2015. Not that I am getting too old for this. Women have babies well into their late forties. But I don't want to be in my sixties, when Baby Forester goes off to college.

My husband & I have spent the better part of 10 years, thinking that having kids wasn't for us. And there's loads of judgement that comes along with that...not from my family but from complete strangers. We were called so many names & judged by so many people that I actually developed resentment for myself.  And I began pushing away everything that was kid related. I didn't want to deal with it. It was a side of me that people would never really understand. And I began believing that I was selfish, too immature & I would never be ready to give up everything to bring another human into this world. And maybe at the time, that was true but I don't believe those lies anymore. And even though we told people we never completely 100% ruled it out, we did realize if it happened it was going to be God's perfect plan for us & we would embrace it no matter what.

Yesterday & today, I spent time watching episodes from More on Business of Being Born on Netflix & watching natural home births on Youtube and I loved every minute of it. It's amazing what our bodies are capable of doing. And God made us to do this. And every single one I watched, I realized how wonderful, beautiful & crazy this is going to be...should I decide to do this. I will admit that I am at a bit more at peace with the birth process, that formally freaked me out. I know it's not going to be easy but there is an end result that is more beautiful that anything imaginable. And I know watching some videos on Youtube doesn't make me an expert or even come close to preparing me for the real thing but I am at peace with knowing that if I trust my body & the process, giving birth can be the most amazing experience ever. That's all for now!

Angie